thoughts ♡
im having weird episodes of depersonalization ... it is sort of concerning but I've also noticed that this happens when something good is happening, when im calm or just sort of unbothered (I think) I do still talk to myself, its a bad habit but I think its not like a nervous habit anymore, its just really engraved in me, but I do get concerned sometimes, because it feels real that im ... not real (lol) -- I don't wanna feel like that and I also don't wanna feel like im pretending or performing to be someone either,.,, I think rn its triggering because im going through changes like going to college, turning 20 and just getting more into real life, I think its normal, I think the frustration and confusion is normal - at least common. I wanna go to therapy.
Most of the time, when I try to be girly, I feel like im performing a stupid almost humiliating act. I know im not, I do want to feel pretty or cutesy but then again, I think a lot of the media or political beliefs I have just make me feel like im a pig with lipstick. Im not a bad person, at least not anymore, I've tried to change my ways and I have been doing so, I changed the bad things and the horrible things I consumed (not saying details) but then again, I feel... ugly. I keep telling to myself that im pretty and im alright and chubby is cute too... but I feel disgusting when I find myself walking or next to a pretty skinny girl... idk. I still keep on looking for attention most of the time, male attention; and I don't like it, because my value really doesn't depend from that. and its not like invasive, Its just me not trying anything but asking myself if they're watching me or hoping they do so, I don't really approach men like that... im not that miserable xd..
